I often ponder about how I ponder.  In other words, I wonder about how I wonder.  OK, let me say it this way: I worry about how I worry about things.  Still not clear?  I mean it is very interesting what happens in my mind when I get caught up in anxiety.

Case study 1

Something happens and I don’t know if it will turn out for good or for bad.  This wonderful brain of mine chooses a circuit in my thinking towards a negative outcome.  I start the simulation process called worrying.

Why does this happen?  I choose, so I am making a conscious decision, right?  Yes, and no. There is a strengthened pathway, a circuit, which is well traveled and it has worn a deep groove in my thought processes towards the negative.  So my decision to think about what could go wrong is the default path I end up following.

Why is this? It is because I have already experienced bad things in the past and I believe bad things will happen again.  I have negative faith.

How is negative faith planted in me?  When I trace the feeling of “Oh, no. That happened!” I realize that it goes deep, deep into my childhood.  I was made to feel rejected, abandoned, dismissed, hated or unprotected.  Notice I said “was made to”.  In my thinking, I blamed it on someone who was supposed to love me and protect me.

Since I don’t take the time to think about the root of my worry, I keep worrying and neglect to bring it to God. I make a rush decision to cope with the situation by myself. Or, I try to ignore and dismiss the situation by saying, “Who cares!”

Case study 2

Something happens and I don’t know if it will turn out for good or for bad.  My brain immediately wants to go towards worry but the Holy Spirit stops me.

Then He asks, ” Are you the only one who cares about this? Are you supposed to deal with it by yourself?” In other words, “Who cares?”

The answer is obvious.  God does. He always does, always has, always will, in every circumstance and for everyone.

casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
I Peter 5:7

And I experience God erasing the deep groove of my negative pathways and paving the positive “faith” path. The positive circuit in my heart is strengthened.  And I choose to believe that all things work together for good.

Lord, don’t allow me to get frustrated and say, “Who cares!” but help me ask, “Who cares?” and trust You.

I think I was in the 5th grade. There was an assignment in Japanese class. We all had to write a poem. I wrote a poem all by myself for the first time.

I was very proud it but what the teacher said crushed me. She said, “That’s not a poem.”

I took what the teacher said to my heart and decided that I was not good at composition. I buried the treasure of writing skill.

Since then, every time I have to write something, letter, resume, anything, it was painful and I was never satisfied and ashamed of every writing. Words were scary to me. I can offend people with my words without me intending so. Words were like monsters out of control.

About ten years ago, God showed me that I buried my talent of writing. He showed me when that happened. I was able to denounce it and not have fear around words and writing and speaking.

Since then little by little, I started enjoying sharing what I thought. I realize words can be encouraging, inspiring. Words can make people laugh and bring people comfort, open their eyes to new ideas and truth.

I am not scared of words. I am not scared of making mistake with words. Writing in my second language like this is a testament of that.

The Bible talks about a servant burring his talent in the ground. He said he was scared of the master. He must have felt the pressure of having to produce something out of nothing. I do identify with his feeling, but feeling like that is not based on the fact. God the master is not to be feared that way. He knows what we can do and what we cannot do. He knows we will make mistakes and OK about it. He does smile on our imperfect poems. He wants us to use our talent and enjoy doing it.

So I want to attempt recreating the poem rejected by my teacher. I want to dig it out of the ground. It went something like this.

Train of tomorrow

You can almost see
The train of tomorrow
Your earnest desire to be
On the train of tomorrow

You sleep of a hope to be in
The train of tomorrow in the morning

It eludes me once again
Everyday that I gain

Yes, instead of catching
The train of tomorrow,
I have attained the day
That is called today.

Today becomes yesterday
So goes on my memories

Chasing the train of tomorrow
Will give me opportunity for today
And treasures of yesterdays.

I usually have someone check my English but I will share just like this in the hope of being seeing many many mistakes.

何も思い煩わないで、あらゆるばあいに、感謝をもってささげる祈りと願いによって、あなたがたの願い事を神に知っていただきなさい。
(ピリピ Philippians 4:6)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

心配事が来たときにどうしたらいいか、ここに完璧な対処法が書いてあります。
This famous verse is a complete and comprehensive manual for when we have problems that cause us to worry.

• 1. 「何も思い煩わないで」 まず思い煩うのはよくないと悟る
  Do not be anxious about anything- Decide not to worry.

思い煩うとは自分で解決法を見つけようとして頭の中でシミレーションがぐるぐる回って気分が沈んでしまうということ。思い煩うのを止めると決める
Worrying is a rehearsal of the mind to simulate the worst scenario over and over again. To get out that cycle, we must first denounce and decide not to worry about it.

「そうすれば、人のすべての考えにまさる神の平安が、あなたがたの心と思いをキリスト・イエスにあって守ってくれます。 」
(ピリピ Philippians 4:7)  
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Some people are book smart, some are street smart. Here are two mother smart people I know.

My grandmother did not finish grade school, but she was a smart lady. She taught herself many skills like sewing, farming, cooking, and art. She did not read many books but she read the Bible. I still remember her big Bible with a cover that I think she wove. She knew her God.

She had a hard life, so hard that she left home and decided to take her own life. As she stood in the pouring rain, God spoke to her. She realized God would take care of her and her family.

“Search seven times before accusing someone.” She used to say this. I thought it was for when you lose something, but this applies to many things in life. If you need something, go find it; because if you really need it, God will give it to you. Don’t blame not having what you need on others and don’t demand it from others. She was truly mother smart.

My mother did not go to High school. She is from a complicated family, too complicated to explain. She experienced a lot of prejudice in her life but she met God who loved everyone in the world. She is a giving person, prayerful mother and faithful grandmother.

She used to say, “Don’t judge people for what they can not change.” I thought she was saying about people’s outside appearances, like height, race and gender. but this applies to life. If others need your help seeing what they should change, we should help them but it is not right to judge people for how God made them, because that would be judging God. She was also mother smart.

I hope to be mother smart like them.

昨日の防火管理の講習で一つ気になったことがあります。消火器の使い方の説明でレバーを握るのが男性なら大丈夫だが女性では難しい場合があるという話です。アメリカでそんな言い方をしたら問題になるんだろうな、ということを思いました。

確かに握力の一番強い人は多分男性だと思うし、一番弱いのは女性かもしれません。でも握力の強い女性より弱い男性はいると思います。これは女性を卑下しているということだけではなく、握力が弱い男性は男性らしくないという男性にとってもよくない考え方ではないかな、と思います。

カナダの総理大臣は男女平等が大事なのは２０１５年なんだからと言ってのけたのが印象的でしたが、男女平等の考え方はいろんな見方ができるな、といろいろ考えてしまいました。男女平等は能力が違っても価値は同じなのだという考え方が大切だと思います。女性も平等に扱ってもらおうと思い、回りの男性と同じ能力に達しようとしたり、自分の能力を発揮するのをやめる、ということこそ男性の方が価値があるのだと心で認めている証拠になるのではないでしょうか。

男女、人種などいろいろな差別の元になるようなことではそれぞれが特性であって人間としての価値ではないということが認められるような環境を作っていけたらと思う次第です。

昨日の講習でかちんと来た私の心に何が引っ掛かったのか、考えてみての話です。

おわり。