I often ponder about how I ponder. In other words, I wonder about how I wonder. OK, let me say it this way: I worry about how I worry about things. Still not clear? I mean it is very interesting what happens in my mind when I get caught up in anxiety.
Case study 1
Something happens and I don’t know if it will turn out for good or for bad. This wonderful brain of mine chooses a circuit in my thinking towards a negative outcome. I start the simulation process called worrying.
Why does this happen? I choose, so I am making a conscious decision, right? Yes, and no. There is a strengthened pathway, a circuit, which is well traveled and it has worn a deep groove in my thought processes towards the negative. So my decision to think about what could go wrong is the default path I end up following.
Why is this? It is because I have already experienced bad things in the past and I believe bad things will happen again. I have negative faith.
How is negative faith planted in me? When I trace the feeling of “Oh, no. That happened!” I realize that it goes deep, deep into my childhood. I was made to feel rejected, abandoned, dismissed, hated or unprotected. Notice I said “was made to”. In my thinking, I blamed it on someone who was supposed to love me and protect me.
Since I don’t take the time to think about the root of my worry, I keep worrying and neglect to bring it to God. I make a rush decision to cope with the situation by myself. Or, I try to ignore and dismiss the situation by saying, “Who cares!”
Case study 2
Something happens and I don’t know if it will turn out for good or for bad. My brain immediately wants to go towards worry but the Holy Spirit stops me.
Then He asks, ” Are you the only one who cares about this? Are you supposed to deal with it by yourself?” In other words, “Who cares?”
The answer is obvious. God does. He always does, always has, always will, in every circumstance and for everyone.
casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
I Peter 5:7
And I experience God erasing the deep groove of my negative pathways and paving the positive “faith” path. The positive circuit in my heart is strengthened. And I choose to believe that all things work together for good.
Lord, don’t allow me to get frustrated and say, “Who cares!” but help me ask, “Who cares?” and trust You.
You are an incredible writer Satomi san.